TOP FLIGHT SECURITY
As we approach the holiday season I am on my grind trying to get all of my holiday shopping done early. I DO not like to be in stores where thousands of people hoard over a shirt and flat screen. It disgusts me really...although the deals are pretty sweet on Black Friday, I refuse to be one of those people who wait in line at 3 am to shop at 5am....it just won't happen. ANYWHO.....as I shop around I have noticed more and more security guards in the stores and in parking lots. It makes me feel somewhat safe knowing that these stores have their consumers best interests in mind and they want to keep us safe this holiday season. HOWEVER.....have you ever seen a rent a cop who just shouldn't even be a rent a cop? Oh my....I have seen so many this year, it scares me. It's not right! I want to feel like if someone was trying to jack me, at least a cock-dieseled mofo would jump out of the wood works and take him down. A big DEBO looking mofo. Instead I have to guard myself and belongings extra hard because I got my boy Blue as my top flight security guard!! **"top flight security of the world Craig, the world"** Yeah, no....not happenin captain. I have actually seen these three more than I need to and for that reason I will be packin(mase and a stun gun that is) this holiday season in case something jump off....
1) The guy who didn't go to college, at all, and needed a job asap.
~~He's a slacker. He looks lazy, like he had one too many donuts. And that fact that he outweighs a horse, and looks hot in 30 degree weather, makes me very uncomfortable with him protecting me. It's not that he couldn't, bc dude has like 100lbs on me, I'm just scared that he would lose momentum as time went on, and at some point me and the robber will have to call the real cops and ambulance to help us get dude some oxygen. Plus he sits in his buggy and never moves unless a parking lot riot starts, at which point he pulls out his walkie talkie and calls for backup to
2) My boy Blue
~~You all have to know who I am talking about. This guy was in retirement, but due to our effed up gov, he is back in the game. He is pushing 100 yrs old, easy. Skinny as hell. Looks like if the wind blew he would fall over. His cheeks have began to sunk in and well, its not looking good for the old playa. It makes me very nervous to have him as a security guard, for in the process of trying to save me, which may take way longer than it should, he could die. Then I would be left with one final option, we shall call her
3) The Dike that doesn't give a damn
~~She normally is a "well rounded" woman who looks like she could do some damage, but she, like contestant #1, is too lazy to do anything. She gives you a look of disgust when she sees you. Like: "What the hell are you looking at?" as she picks her nails and twirls her baton. Like, really, is she going to save me....she might feed me to the pack of purse snatchers before she saves me. And is she did, it would be from the help of bystanders bc she would pull out her walkie talkie and speak in the fashion of Dee from the Wayans Bros., slow and deliberate.
So you see folks, in my opinion, we're not safe....stay packing(pocket knives, mase and stun guns) this season, for if you have an altercation at a nearby mall or grocery store, truth be told your on your own. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!
